
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song tells us. But if you’re dealing with grief — namely the death of a loved one — the holiday season can become a barrage of painful reminders that your life isn’t what you had hoped.
Surrounded by holiday joy and cheer, you may feel overwhelmed by a calendar full of traditions that remind you of your loss, or pressured by how you think you “should” feel, or perhaps tempted to numb the pain. No matter what Hallmark says, the holidays are a stressful time, even for people who aren’t dealing with grief.
“Our cultural expectation is that holidays are the time when family comes together,” says Kristin Neff, PhD, author of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook and associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas, Austin. If someone you love has died, though, “it’s going to be harder because you have this expectation of what you want it to be. The discrepancy between how things are and how we want them to be is more salient in the holiday season.”
Rather than resisting the reality of grief during the holidays, work toward a version of your experience that addresses what you need to honor your feelings — whatever they are. Here are six steps to help you handle grief at this time of year.
1. Feel your feelings.
The first step is to acknowledge what you’re experiencing as a normal emotion. “What we resist persists,” Neff says. “If you try to force it or fix it, it makes it worse and will make the grief last longer.”
Give yourself and those you love compassion and kindness. There’s no right way to experience grief, no “appropriate” amount of time in which you have to “get over it.” “It’s really about giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are, and not to feel that you have to be someplace else in your grieving process,” Neff says.
2. Plan ahead.
It’s easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays, especially if you’re emotionally stressed. But having a bit of control over your circumstances makes the grieving process easier, and knowing what’s coming can lessen the overwhelm. Schedule free time on your calendar so you can exercise or take a walk or care for yourself in whatever way you need.
If you’re going to an office party or family gathering that you suspect will be difficult, take along a grief buddy. That’s a friend who can be your wing person, monitor alcohol intake, and maneuver a quick exit if you start flagging, explains Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT, yoga therapist and author of Mindfulness and Grief. Or perhaps make a plan for immediately after the event, like debriefing over tea with a friend or snuggling with your dog. Seek out confidantes who can listen without judgment or advice, who can be “a heart with ears,” says Ed Owens, director of advanced Grief Recovery Method programs for the Grief Recovery Institute in Bend, Ore.
3. Learn to say no.
The holiday traditions you used to adore can feel like a burden when you’re already struggling. It’s OK to take a break from making the cranberry sauce or attending annual parties, especially obligations that bring up too many painful memories or make you feel spread thin. Let go of traditions that aren’t serving you now, and know that you can always resume them another year. Steer clear of relatives who may be especially triggering for you.
You might want to replace the usual Black Friday shopping with a service trip or volunteering for a cause that resonates with the person you’re mourning, Stang suggests. Ignore objections from family or friends who don’t understand, and remind yourself that everyone grieves differently. “We can’t make everybody happy, and that’s hard,” Stang concedes. “But the most important thing is to reduce your suffering.”
4. Put your physical body first.
People face higher risk of injury or death in the year after losing a loved one, Stang explains. That’s partly because of reduced immune functioning due to the stress, and partly because you’re more prone to accidents when exhausted and distracted. Guard against this by giving your body good nutrition, adequate sleep, and movement — any kind of movement, even if you’re not up for your usual exercise routine. Moving your body releases neurochemicals that give you hope and facilitate bonding with others, says Kelly McGonigal, PhD, psychologist, group fitness instructor, and author of The Joy of Movement.
“One of the things that surprises people who are grieving is that you don’t always get that immediate boost you’re used to from exercising,” McGonigal says. “You can feel as though this feeling that you’ve known your whole life is abandoning you when you need it most. Moving your body still helps; it just might feel different.”
In fact, group fitness classes are one of the few places you can connect with other people without feeling pressure to put on a happy face or play a certain role. “You get all the connection that comes from moving together and breathing together and sweating together,” McGonigal adds. It also wards off the tendency mourners might have to isolate themselves at a time when human connection can be so healing.
5. Get support.
Even if a group fitness class doesn’t speak to you during this time, find a way to resist the common impulse to become isolated in grief. You need the help and support of your family and friends, and you’re not a burden. “Every human experiences grief,” Owens says. “It’s one of our most shared, fundamental emotional experiences.”
Many organizations offer professional support, whether through grief counselors, support groups, or services provided by local hospitals. Check bulletin boards and websites for announcements, or try your local mental-health associations. One good resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which can offer referrals to grief resources, counselors, and groups. The Grief Recovery Institute’s handbook is also available in libraries and bookstores nationwide, or you can find free e-books on the organization’s website.
6. Take action.
Owens teaches people to communicate the unsaid emotions or messages to a lost loved one. “We carry these things with us that we didn’t have a chance to tell the other person — things we didn’t have a chance to do that we desperately wanted to do,” he says. “We identify what we wish had been better or different and then we can take some actions around those emotions,” he says. You can find closure by acknowledging and sharing your conflicted feelings, perhaps by writing a letter to your loved one or talking with a trusted friend about what you’ve been thinking.
You can also find ways to honor your loved ones, such as putting pictures on a table by the door, where you can pause in a moment of mindfulness. Or perhaps create a new holiday tradition in remembrance of them, or simply let yourself feel their presence during the season, Stang says. “They’re no longer physically here; how do we continue our love even though they’re physically absent?”
Karen Paul, 56, an essayist and fundraising consultant in Takoma Park, Md., lost her husband Jonathan to glioblastoma. She plans to immerse herself in a mikvah, a Jewish ritual bath, every month this year, to “wash myself of grief.” Mark Cobb, 59, of Silver Spring, Md., sent a floral bouquet every December 21st to his best friend Matthew’s mother to honor the anniversary of Matthew’s funeral after he died of AIDS in 1991. “The last bouquet I sent was to her funeral. If anything closed out that chapter, it was that last bouquet,” recalls Cobb, who now feels only the sweetness of memories. “How lucky am I that those people were in my life.”
Great timing thanks! Will refer to my Bereavement Groups
I know not everyone is spiritual however, the top of my list would be to rejoice in God’s promise of heaven to all believers. Heaven is a place of no pain, hunger, want. And for loved ones to be there face to face with our almighty Father is a comfort. We too, as believers have the promise of being reunited with them one day.”Jesus wept.” at Lazarus’ grave and know the pain and sorrow we feel. For God so loved the world…..not just a few. Definitely do the steps above as you grief. Great ideas. Your sister in Christ
I lost my husband 2 days after Christmas 2018, due to an unexpected brief illness. He loved the holidays especially the decorations and food. I have decided that I don’t want to take that privilege over because it belonged to him so I am doing whatever feels ok to me. I made winter and Christmas decorations and brought them to his grave.
There are thousands of single females who never had a spouse. They’ve suffered grief and loneliness for years while the married females (prior to the loss of their spouse) went merrily on their way never pausing to see the deep ache in the hearts of others because they never had a spouse. We feel sad that our formerly married friend has suffered loss, but it hurts that they complain of their loss and rarely remember that they DID have a wonderful blessing. Sometimes if feels very selfish of them.
I forwarded this to my new daughter in law who lost her 11 y/o son to suicide on 8/4/19. She could use this. Thanks!
A lot of info to take in. I recently lost my Mom and have been having a hard time. I am very lucky to have a great, loving family, as well as a lot of great loving friends. I am going to try some if not all of the ideas here, to see which one or o es will work best for me.
Holidays are the absolute worse for me since I lost my eldest son ! I barely put on a smiling face anymore and it’s been 13 years ! It’s harder now that my other children have all grown and moved on started families ( they don’t have time rarely for me ) not putting any burden on them I want them to start their tradition all on their own ! It’s just hard knowing that my son would never allow them to move on with out ours !! Life is never the same without your loved one! You just learn a new normal , and learn the new pain as the years progress
Exercise, diet and rest well balanced will help in overcoming depression. Walking, going to nature (beach, woods, parks, gardens) help the soul and psyche. Company of friends is also helpful as long as they are not judgmental
I Monica lost my husband 2 months ago with pancreatic cancer. I work alot and talk to a close friend about my grieving process. I also have his pictures on my wall at home to remind me just how special he was. I keep myself busy so I don’t have to think. But most of all I have God as the head of my life, and it is he that strengthens me. One day at a time.
Perfect timing for me to read this- Thank you for reassuring me that my emotions are normal.
My husband committed suicide on August 6, 2018. Me and my two girls are better but it is a process. And it still sneaks up on us. It’s like a spiral staircase sometimes. We go up and then come down… repeating some stages over and over again. We are all in counseling and that has been extremely helpful. I have spoken at a ministry recently for people with addictions and shared my story. It brought so much healing to me. It helps me I understand what my husband was going through himself. Thank you for this message. God bless you!
I am living in fear of losing my husband of 56
years or one of my two precious children. You see I have lost my Dad November fourth to a massive stroke with heart attack at age forty four when I was fourteen, five years later I lost my oldest brother 22 years old to an on the job accident. This was on December 1st. He lay underneath heavy equipment five and half hours before removing his body. My wonderful Grandfather was reaching for me when he died. He turned dark blue from the massive heart attack . I was nine years old.
My oldest niece was killed in an auto accident.
My precious Mother died of Alzheimer’s after watching her decline for ten years. She died in my arms. I became depressed and so sad. I was the only daughter and I felt helpless. Only fourteen months later my youngest brother Eddie passed at age fifty four. He passed on my 50th wedding anniversary. He called my husband and me to tell us he loved us the night before. My heart hurts !
My sister-in-law’s time to go home was January and seven months later my brother died we believe of grief. He had so much talent writing and recording music. We have cd’s but what a terrible shock. I was numb !!
My husband had emergency open heart surgery. He had a close call to death.
I lost two of my best friends both to heart attack. My first cousin died in my arms to scleroderma. All were Christian loving souls.
This is some of my life experiences and afraid of what is next. I pray often for those I love so much. Just to hear them on the phone or spend time gives me joy !
I appreciate the six step guide and looking forward to getting the books mentioned.
I would love to join a support group but my husband is now having lots of seizures and needs someone close by. He is always on my mind.
I am very blessed and thankful to have had all these love ones in my lifetime.
I want to keep those left !
My prayers to any in grief. I know what hurt 😢 you feel ! We must trust in Jesus to bring us through !!!! Heaven is our goal to join our LORD and love ones Amen!
Some of these are good if you have family who cared enough to be there for you. Most people just think you need to get over it or just deal with it. They are just glad it’s not them who lost a loved one. My spouse after three months of loosing my son threaten to put me in an institution because I was so lost and crying still and in so much pain I didn’t know how to handle it. And it wasn’t just him it was also my only other child who did this. I don’t believe I mentioned it was the loss of my first born son. He was 37 when he passed. To put pictures they are there to look at but causes pain to look at because it reminds you of the person you love so much won’t be there for you anymore. And my husband continued to treat me like that for 2 1/2 years.
This article was very inspiring. I will try some of the techniques. My husband just passed away 7 weeks ago and the grief is overwhelming.
Thank You
I lost my dad when I was nine, just 10 days before Christmas. The holiday has never held any joy and I stopped pretending that it does, but others fail to understand. It’s been 57 years, but I still cannot move past the saddness this holiday evokes.
This article is so appreciated by me. This is my 2nd Holiday season after my moms transition and honestly I don’t know what to do. The pain is not as crippling now. Thanks for this insightful article.
Wonderful advice. God bless those who are dealing with grief this time of year.
Sometimes the loss has nothing to do with death, but in recovery, removing yourself from toxic family members that trigger PTSD and threaten your sobriety. You can still feel lonely and grieving.
I lost my son, Trey last year! I’ll never get over it!! May God give me the strength to get over it this holiday Thanksgiving season!!
My sister and I lost both of our parents this year and it’s nothing but numbness. I feel like I’m in a dark hole. It’s the weirdest feeling of how our routine switched so drastically and we’re trying to find things to fill the void of time, etc. Praying for comfort and balance in our lives. This year we’re going to have to figure out how to really celebrate without making it rough for others especially my children being that they’re Dad passed in Dec seven years ago. It is really hard to really believe.
Thank you so very much for this information, and tips.
It really helped me to start the process of grieving in a more “soft loving” way.
10 days ago my youngest brother commited suicide and it has been very painful to deal with his passing.
I lost my husband on January 18th, 2018, I am still taking it very hard. I loved him so much, he was only 56, and we had so many things left to do. your words and 6 ways to cope were helpful. my next step will be looking for a grief counselling group in my area. so wish it was easier to understand.
This has given sound advice on getting through the holidays, I have lost my only child, adult son, its been 13 months, September 29, 2018. I was under the doctors care holidays last year it was only 2 months after, I was and still are at times in denial, I do not and have not seen or with anyone family or friends, except my grandsons (4) his children…I have not been able to look at pictures or talk about him in the past tense. I will try putting his pictures out, especially with his sons and me, and try remembering positive things, my son is John, I cry a lot and I am very depressed, John’s passing was unexpected and suddenly, will my broken heart, & spirit even recover? I am 80 years old, I loved my son more than life itself, this void in overbearing….Thank You for listening…I am considering joining a grief group after the holidays
Absolutely! It is difficult enough without help so don’t go on without seeking it out. I am sorry you have not gone sooner. If you can get in before the holidays, please
do so. At least you can say to yourself that you have taken control so that you can heal. It will just take you a little longer— so just hang on. It will get better.
I have been there.
I lost my dad dec 2016 and my mom a week later and this year in May I lost my daughter gonna be a hard time for me she also has. 3 year old boy please pray for me and my family
This is practical advice and will serve people well. Grief for these special loved ones never ends and we are never the same with their deaths. We evolve and survive and are forever changed. Acceptance and coping skills are vital.
I lost my only son June 25, 2019 he was my world and I’m trying to get through it but it’s hard he was only 36 Jeffrey Green don’t know how to go on without you this holiday season
This is wonderful advice. I lost my sweet father in April of 2015, and the holidays are especially the hardest times of missing our dear loved ones!
I have many memories and pictures to help keep him as close to me as possible. I cherish the memories of Dad!
All of these suggestions are very good to help with grief. I lost my son five months ago and this is the first holiday season without his presence. I have already done several of these suggestions, joined a walking club that meets three times a week, seek out a friend that I can talk to when I feel overwhelmed, planning a new tradition to start to honor my son’s memory with his wife and two young children, and planning ahead the activities I want to be involved in next month. Some activities I have already declined in order to not have so much on my plate. I visit my son’s grave weekly because it gives me peace and I talk to him and tell him things I didn’t get to tell him. He died from a nocturnal seizure and he seemed perfectly fine the night before. He was epileptic and nocturnal seizures were common for him. Thanks for this post!❤
Thank you! 💕🙏
Loss of love-one
Glenn our daughter father passed in March-2018. Our daughter Tia died unexpectedly in
September 16th leaving two children(18&22),
Three days later I lost my Mother. Within 6 months I lost the loves of my life and my best
Friends. If I hear one more person say get over it they’re in a better place. My saving grace is for children. You are so right there is no timetable on grief. Especially on the holidays hit it is so painful. Thank God I had a lot of photos and memories.
I needed to hear all of these suggestions and will share with my friends and family. God Bless, dealing with the death of my dad on 11/13/18.
i just dont know what to do as we always had big CHRISTMAS’S in lost my daughter on MARCH 17TH This year,9 months ago, but how ever we lost a son 2yrs ago May.we had 4 beautiful children now we have 2… Kimberly was the oldest of them then I have a son Matthew, and then came the Twins Patrick and Patricia only Matthew and Patricia are left…I cant even stand the word Christmas my stomach turns when people are talking about it or on TV I just want to scream to stop it, how bad is that ??? I want to almost punch them and tell them to shut up… I feel bad I know I shouldn’t feel like this it is wrong of me but I can not help it..I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO IGNORE IT ALL. But it is all over the place in my face… I Feel nothing most of the time..Empty I guess..
Marilyn, we are so very sorry to hear about this grief that you face. You are in our thoughts and prayers!
The closer its getting to the holiday season the worse I’m stressing. Iost my hubby on NYE 2017 we’d been married for 52yrs our Wedding Anniversary is18th December then Christmas then Anniversary of my husbands passing NYE am having bad anxiety attacks and deppression my dr has got me on meds but will be glad when Jan comes.