9 Questions to Ask Your Partner About Sex and Intimacy

Deepen your connection with your partner with these questions about deepening intimacy.

A couple cooking and laughing in a kitchen.

We all want to keep our partnerships passionate. It’s important not to let sex become the last item on a long to-do list, the last obligation you turn to when you’re both exhausted. Still, there are ways to create (and destroy) your connection that take place outside the bedroom.

One of the most concrete ways to ensure you have a great sex life is by talking to each other about sex. This date is about discussing your sex life and creating your own rituals of connection.

Research shows that couples who can talk openly about sex have more of it, and women in such relationships have more orgasms. Talking about sex is a win-win for couples.

Still, even with the knowledge that these conversations create more (and more satisfying) physical intimacy, they can still be difficult. Talking about sex is awkward for the majority of couples, though it gets easier and more comfortable over time and the more you do it. This date is set up to get you started on that path.

Preparation: Reflect on what you want sex and passion to look like in your relationship. What rituals for connection might you create? If talking about sex is difficult for you, be prepared to say so and explore why it’s difficult. There’s no right or wrong way to talk about sex. It starts with being brave enough to say whatever is on your mind.

Location: For this date, plan a candlelit dinner somewhere. This could be at home or in a hidden corner of a public garden. The theme is sex, romance, and intimacy, so if you can, choose a place that’s especially romantic for the two of you. You might do something physical before the date to get you into your body, such as an online dance or yoga class, or a session of stretching together.

Open-ended questions to ask your partner:

  1. Think about all the times we’ve had sex. What are some of your favorites? What made those times special?
  2. What turns you on?
  3. How can I enhance our passion?
  4. What’s your favorite way for me to let you know I want to have sex?
  5. Where and how do you like to be touched?
  6. What’s your favorite time to make love and why? What’s your favorite position?
  7. What is something you’ve always wanted to try?
  8. How often would you like to have sex?
  9. What can I do to make our sex life better?

This article originally appeared in “5 Essential Conversations for Any Couple” in the December 2020 issue of Experience Life.

are cofounders of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, where they conduct research and clinical training for marriage therapists. This article is adapted from Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Workman Publishing, 2019, coauthored with Doug Abrams and Rachel Carson Abrams, MD.

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