Coming Clean

One woman’s honest quest to clean up her unhealthy life for herself and her family.

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Theories and Thoughts Around Food-Plan Slips

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / April 12, 2013

Sometimes bad things happen. After many years and much resistance, I’ve come to embrace the saying, “everything happens for a reason,” but I still believe there are instances that just cannot be explained. (My 1999 car accident, for example, or see my blog post on cousin Jaime’s stroke.)

If you stand by this adage, the “reason” could be what we glean from unexplainable events — the appreciation for our precious lives, the strength we gain physically and mentally as we re-learn skills. Or perhaps the lesson isn’t for the victim but for the guilty party (the woman who rear-ended our car has hopefully learned to be a more cautious driver).

I’ve been thinking these deep thoughts after a recent call with life coach Lauren Zander. I confessed my slip with the cookie dough, and she declared it an act of “Divine Spit.” Lauren directed me to speak with The Handel Group’s Katie Torpey, who’s experienced this curiosity on her own weight-loss journey. (If you haven’t read Katie’s story yet, please do. She’s examined and changed every aspect of her life, and lost 130 pounds. Her blog is very honest and really inspiring.)

A few times a month, Katie allows for a “cheat day” where she eats off her meal plan. She’ll weigh in the day of her cheat day, and if she’s at her desired weight, she doesn’t stress about what she eats for the day. Occasionally, though, she’s hopped on the scale and found her weight to be wildly off, a full 10 pounds over her usual weight. She knows she’s been eating healthy and following her plan, so what could explain this gain? A broken scale?

She then reflects on her week: She’s late on turning in a proposal at work. Or she hasn’t called her parents when she said she would. When she rights these wrongs, the scale returns to her normal weight.

Bizarre? Yes, indeed. And a bit hard for me to wrap my mind around. I’m fairly practical, so immediately I started thinking that maybe she had too much salt, or her weight gain was linked to her cycle, or the batteries in the scale were dying. Or stress! Yes, that had to be it — she was stressed because she missed her deadline and the extra cortisol might have made her more bloated. Hmmm…but 10 pounds?! That’s tough to rationalize through science if she wasn’t eating deep-fried everything and pounds of sugar. I had to let go of my analytical mind to learn more.

Editorial note: This blog post is not intended to be a criticism of religion. The concept of Divine Spit is a spiritual theory, and may not be for everyone. As always, the ideas in my blog do not reflect the philosophies of Experience Life or Life Time Fitness.

Since I’m pro-introspection, I was open to hearing the concept of Divine Spit. And as I’ve allowed my weight-loss process to become my teaching tool, understanding the “whys” behind my relationship to food and my body, garnering different perspectives has be hugely helpful. This idea was perhaps the hugest: The universe had a hand in my cookie-dough illness.

Before you judge, hear me out: I wasn’t raised in one particular religion (when I’m asked, I usually say I believe in all of them and none of them at the same time), but I learned important values of love, respect, hard work and generosity, among other traits, from my parents. My mom explained the cornerstones of various religions to me and told me I was allowed to find my path, if I ever chose to join a church or temple. For a long time, I always grouped “religion” and “spirituality” together, but now I know they are very different. And I have a strong spiritual side, even if it doesn’t fall under one school of thought. (See the editorial note above.)

The Handel Group’s theory of Divine Spit, then, isn’t one of Christianity or Judaism or Islam or Buddhism — although it can be, if you see it as God’s will — but rather one of connections. It’s an idea similar to karma, or the “everything happens for a reason” dictum that’s perplexed me all these years. If you lie to a friend, for example, then walk out the door and fall on your face, it wasn’t a coincidence but instead the universe calling you out.

Let me explain.

First, you’ll want to be familiar with the concept of “Personal Integrity.” It’s the foundation of The Handel coaching method, and an idea we’ve written about in Experience Life. Lauren introduced it to me when we first started working together: The thought, essentially, is that you keep promises to yourself. What you say and what you do aligns with your highest values. You walk your talk.

I think most people would quickly conclude that they live in Personal Integrity. Of course I do what I say I will do! I know I thought that way. But when I started to reflect on the promises I was making and keeping, they were all for other people. I would meet my friend for coffee when we made a date. I would turn in my assignments at work when they were due. I’d call Grandma back to answer her questions about Gmail. Or if I needed to reschedule, I’d ask in advance. (Granted, some people struggle with these commitments — even I have when I’m feeling overbooked — but generally speaking, showing up to work, paying bills, and being a good granddaughter are nonnegotiable.)

When it came to my own self-improvement goals, however, I was routinely breaking my promises. I’d tell myself that I’d go to the gym three times in a week, and I’d only go once. Or that I’d only have one glass of wine and I’d have three instead. I may have told myself my plans, maybe I even wrote it in my journal, but if I didn’t tell anyone else, no one was the wiser. We break our promises to ourselves first because we don’t need to be accountable to anyone else. So those times when I feel overbooked? I’ll cross off “gym,” or “facial” or “meditation” from my list in favor of finishing a project for work.

I could go on and on about the concept of Personal Integrity, but once you understand how this has fueled the work on Project Me (circa January 2010), you’ll see how Divine Spit can play a role. The Handel Group defines it as:

Divine Spit (spiritual): When a person has developed Personal Integrity and been great in a specific area of their lives, a metaphysical, spiritual, funky woo-woo event happens if they break their integrity. It’s a beautiful whiplash of your higher self managing you — teaching you a lesson and waking you up to breaking your integrity. We call it “Divine Spit,” similar to the concept of instant karma. The universe decks you.

I’ve been eating healthy and making allowances for the occasional treats, but when I chose to eat the cookie dough last weekend, I was completely off my plan. Even as I lifted the spoonful of cookie dough to my mouth, I thought, I shouldn’t eat this. I knew better. And yet I ate the cookie dough anyway. It felt like self-sabotage.

As I’ve been journaling and examining this food slip, it’s been constructive for me to be open to all angles. While Divine Spit blew my mind, I know there are many theories, including:

I became ill because I ate raw cookie dough. Plain and simple. The package clearly stated “please do not eat raw cookie dough.”
I became ill because I didn’t know the source of the ingredients. It was a Big Brand, and most likely used eggs, dairy and flour from Big Farms — a much different place and product than the free-range, cage-free, certified organic eggs and chicken I eat from a local farmer.
I became ill because I have an intolerance to wheat and dairy.
I became ill because I haven’t been eating wheat and dairy, and it upset the delicate balance of my now-healthier gut microbiome.
I became ill because of Divine Spit, because I knew better — and told myself no — and karma came back to bite me. I fell out of line with how I want to be eating, and I paid the price.

It’s a bold and mighty thought: If I eat that cookie when I tell the world I’m on a diet, Divine Spit will surely get me! That’s a powerful motivator to stay on track.

Do I believe in Divine Spit? A little bit. As Katie explained it to me, I started to think about the days when I’m clumsy when I’m usually not, or the day that I spilled water in three separate meetings. Was the universe trying to send me a sign to slow down and focus?

I’ll leave the interpretation up to you. I do know, however, that I continue to need all the help and support I can get (in weight loss and in life), so I’d rather keep the universe on my side.

Notes from November

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / November 30, 2012

In October, I feared the dreaded weight-loss plateau, as I only managed to lose a pound for the entire month. That said, I had a few challenges, so in November, I stepped up my training and cut back on grains in an effort to break through my stalled weight loss.

And this month, the scale finally budged and I lost 3 pounds!

But let’s be real, the scale isn’t always the best measure of weight loss. And really, we don’t talk about it much here at Experience Life. We put fitness and good food first. Many of our experts credit real, health-improving (and sustainable) weight loss to a foundation of eating whole, nutritious foods that heal inflammation, exercising regularly, and adjusting one’s lifestyle to lower stress and obtain adequate sleep. Those who have lost weight before know there are other routes to make the numbers drop, although you may feel hungry or moody or tired while doing so.

So even though the scale shifted, I noticed a difference in my mood and energy.

Food, Energy and Strength
My appetite decreased significantly, which would seem good for weight loss but made my workouts more difficult. I found myself getting light-headed frequently and didn’t feel as strong in lifting weights.

I was also much more tired than usual. Instead of my typical end-of-day energy that propels me through my after-work training session, I felt like I was dragging myself to class and counting the minutes until it was over. (Disclaimer: I’ve done that occasionally before, even with loads of energy, but usually because the workout is so challenging.)

Was my body just adjusting to not eating as many grains? Hmmm. That didn’t seem right. People who follow a Paleo diet report feeling great. Or was it because I didn’t add in more veggies in place of the grains, and just ate less altogether. Or! Was it a need for more protein, as my trainer suggested?

After eating all that turkey on Thanksgiving and the days following, along with green beans and salad, I was feeling better and had my appetite back. So maybe I’m not getting enough food, and enough protein. In December, I’m going to keep my usual food journals, but for a week, keep track of portion size and macronutrients.

For me, “eat less to weigh less” has been one of the hardest weight-loss myths to extinguish. To lose weight before, I would eat less food overall, and maybe drop a few pounds, but eventually gain it back. However, I wasn’t eating “food,” meaning real food that’s grown or raised, not processed and packaged. (Read more in “Weight-Loss Rules to Rethink.”)

Depending on where you’re at in your weight loss, you may need to cut back on your caloric intake overall. (Both my trainer and a RD consultation with Life Time Fitness provided great insights.) But I’ve found that switching to whole foods, and adding in more leafy greens and healthy fats, has helped me naturally feel fuller. I may eat less overall, but the food I eat is full of vitamins and antioxidants so it’s doing good work in my gut, helping heal inflammation (more in our upcoming January feature story, “True Blood”) and improving my metabolic functions.

TV Time: My Winter “Activity”
In my recent post on promises, I mentioned that I keep track of the number of hours I spend watching TV, and send it in a report to life coach Lauren each night. Why? Because I love love love watching TV and movies. Kyle and I recently got into Homeland on Showtime. I watch Dexter every Sunday night. And I never miss Parks and Recreation on NBC. (And with our DVR, I don’t have to.)

My TV has gotten me into trouble in the past, when I’d watch it over studying in high school and college (I still managed to pass my classes and do quite well, in my opinion). Or last winter, when I was feeling nostalgic and decided to watch Felicity on Netflix, staying up till the wee hours watching the love-triangle drama (she still picked Ben). Sleep? Oh right.

I had made a new rule for the fall that I would only watch “quality” programming, which, of course, is totally subjective. And I would save TV viewing time for the end of the day, after I finished my workouts, making dinner, and completing any chores. I’d limit my schedule to 10 hours a week, which would give me enough time to watch all my shows. (Note: As the magazine’s multimedia editor, I also watch videos online during the day, but this rule applies only to my leisure time.)

During Thanksgiving week, I somehow managed to watch 13 hours of TV. How’d that happen?! Was it Homeland? Football on Thanksgiving? Both, most likely.

Now, 10 hours seemed like a good number to me. To some it may be too much; to others, too little. Perhaps it needs to be less, or more, for the winter months, when frigid days convince me to stay inside. If it’s less, then maybe I can take up a hobby. Or start listening to the radio or records in the evening. Or read a book on my looooong to-read list.

The point is, my TV time is a habit, and I’m looking to examine, reevaluate, and break habits during this lifestyle change. I enjoy watching TV for entertainment as a leisure activity, and I think there’s a place for it in my life. How much — and when — is still something with which I grapple.

For the Love of Ladybird

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / November 29, 2012

This time last year, we had to make a hard choice: say goodbye to one of our dogs. It was not a decision we came to lightly, and one that has, in some way, taken me this long to process.

I’m finally ready to talk about the decision publicly, and I think the story fits on this blog for a good reason. Pets bring so much love and loyalty and humor that I can’t imagine living without them. But any pet owner knows that it’s not all roses and laughter all the time. If your pet gets sick, or misbehaves, and this behavior continues, it can be hugely stressful on their owners as they work to change the behavior or help an ill animal.

Until last Thanksgiving, we raised two dogs together. A black Lab and Chesapeake Bay retriever mix named Chloe that Kyle adopted from the Animal Humane Society; and a basenji named Ladybird, who I adopted as a puppy.

Along with my two cats, our pets have taught me so much about my own capacity to love and care for another creature. Ladybird in particular taught me patience, tenderness and the value of discipline.

We found each other when she was eight weeks old. My boyfriend at the time suggested we look at bringing a dog or puppy into our household, so we started researching breeds. We were both intrigued by the basenji, a medium-sized hunting dog originating in central Africa. They are loving, curious, highly intelligent dogs, and some have said their personalities can mirror a cat’s demeanor. Basenjis are also “barkless,” in the sense that they may make strange howling sounds or whine, but they rarely let out a hearty woof common in larger breeds. From what we read, because basenjis are so unique, people often come to them for their beauty but have difficulty with their curious and hard-to-train disposition, so the dogs find their way into shelters. We wanted to rescue a female or male and give it a good home.

One day we saw an ad for basenji puppies, and made a call to inquire. The man who placed the ad said he had previously volunteered for the Basenji Rescue and Transport, a nonprofit group with networks across the country that place approximately 300 purebred basenjis in permanent homes. We had just finished polishing our application for BRAT, as they are affectionately called, so I was quite familiar with the good work of the organization and pleased to hear of the man’s affiliation. He said he had been working at a nearby animal shelter when a male and female basenji were surrendered, and, after the male was adopted, overhead two volunteers talking about using the female to mass breed for profit (what sounded to him like a puppy mill). He reported the volunteers and immediately adopted the female to keep her safe.

Then one September day, his newly adopted basenji started popping out puppies. Ladybird was the first arrival.

When we arrived at the man’s house, she came up to us right away, and I fell in love with her instantly. How could I not with that face?!?

Unfortunately, the next six months of her life (and mine) would be in flux, as one relationship ended and I eventually met my husband. Bird and I didn’t have a set schedule, which is so crucial to training a puppy (we took a class together, and she retained sit, but nothing else). I was also, in retrospect, too young to have such a great responsibility: at 23, I had just finished college that spring, purchased a home and started my full-time career. Growing up with our mild-mannered Cockapoo, Biff, who seemed to fit so easily into our household, I thought it would be so simple to bring a new dog home.

I thought wrong.

The cats were none too pleased. Our male, Sids, is the oldest and a stubborn guy as it is, and the female, Biz, was terrified. I had read that basenjis, which are trained to hunt small animals in the Congo, could adapt to living with cats as long as they started young or had previous experience in a home with cats. But I could never get the cats to stay in the same room with her. Every chance she saw them, Ladybird would chase after them and nip at their heels, only making the relationship worse.

When Kyle and I merged households, we thought Ladybird would be happy to have a new friend in Chloe. Nope. She had established that she was the alpha female: she had learned to conquer the cats, heck, she even ruled over me most of the time, and any new creature in her home would have to play second fiddle.

But it wasn’t all chaos all the time, and it wasn’t all harmony either.

There were plenty of times when the girls, as we called the dogs, would cuddle on a blanket or share the same dog bed. They’d run and play in our fenced yard and kept each other company when we were away at work.

Chloe was only seven months when she met Ladybird (although Chloe was nearly full size), and Ladybird a little over a year old, so they grew up together. But as the years wore on, playful nips on Chloe’s ears were tolerated less, disagreements over bones became more vocal, and we grew tired of constantly monitoring their time together.

We had to keep Ladybird from the cats since she continued to chase them, so we developed a system of child safety gates in the door jambs to keep the cats separate. It also gave Bird time alone for her nightly dog bone, since fights had previously erupted over bones. (You can imagine the challenge of finding a willing pet-sitter.) The dogs slept in our room, Chloe in a dog bed on the floor, and Bird underneath our bed or at our feet, and she always needed to enter the room first (where Bird would growl at Chloe until she laid down and the door was shut). Our home was one of enduring high pressure and anxiety, between the dogs, for the cats and for us.

Then last October, they had their last fight.

Chloe had witnessed Ladybird chase the cats before, and the subsequent instinctual screaming at her from me, so one morning, when Ladybird and the cats were in the same room with no gate in place, and Bird walked past them, Chloe lost it. She must have assumed Bird was going after the cats, and started barking over her and biting at her neck. In Chloe’s defense, she wasn’t crazed or out of control. I believe she really thought she was protecting the cats, for my sake and theirs.

Once I placed them in different rooms, I knew I had to separate them. Permanently. This fight was too scary for me, and too scary for both of them. I was angry at Chloe, I was angry at Bird, I was angry at Kyle, I was angry at myself. I forced them together. I pushed Bird to live with cats when she didn’t like them.

I had taken Bird to training as a puppy, and Kyle paid to have a trainer work in our home when Chloe moved in. Even after the fight, I made one last ditch effort with pet trainer and communicator Sage Lewis of Dancing Porcupine, who I had previously worked with on Tellington TTouch for Chloe (and often used on Bird when she joined me to watch TV). Sage felt the unrest immediately in our home, and offered support while we wrestled with our decision. I spoke with my Handel Group life coach, nearby shelters and pet-foster homes, other pet owners, my mom (at length!), and basenji owners.

Chloe went to live with our pet-sitter during that time, and we thought about which dog to re-home. At first we thought Chloe, because she’s so even tempered and good with kids, and would be welcome in anyone’s home, but with her instigating the dog fight, the shelters told me they’d have to euthanize her. She also has a history of violent seizures (which have since subsided), making her more difficult to place.

Ladybird always seemed a bit wary of kids and strangers, so we also had to question how she’d respond to a new baby someday. She wasn’t a fan of the change we had thrown her way thus far. And while Chloe was away, Ladybird calmed down and seemed so happy in our home — at last. Since the cats kept away, it was if she was the only pet, and I could see that’s what she really always wanted all along.

I contacted the Basenji Rescue and Transport, and told them I needed to re-home Ladybird.

They were so wonderful to work with, and I will forever be grateful that such a group exists to help basenjis and their owners. Ironically, through my work with the Handel Group, I had been battling my own “brat” voice when it comes to diet and exercise, and realized my headstrong desire to keep Ladybird even though it wasn’t right for her was simply my own selfishness. It was fitting that my brat relinquished to another BRAT that could help her.

Sometimes letting go is the most loving act.

Through the BRAT group, I was able to request to speak with her new owner. We talked about a semi- “open-adoption” policy, at least for the first few months to year, so I’d feel more comfortable with the transition. She agreed to keep me updated on Ladybird from time to time. Her notes tell me how happy Birdie is in her new home, and I’m so thankful that she’s found a place of peace and love and gives her new mommy so much joy.

I know this has been a long story, so thank you for taking the time to read it. There are times now when I miss Ladybird so terribly, that little goofy stinker that gave me so much joy and heartache all those eight years of her life with me. Her quirky sounds, the “baroo” noise she’d make, her big brown eyes in the morning light. She was truly the animal love of my life.

These days our house is calm. Chloe battles a bit of anxiety when she’s alone, but mostly fills her days with naps and play time in the yard. The cats have finally reclaimed the house, and even lay close to Chloe during nap time and follow her around on investigative missions to the basement. And with our home being quiet, so are we: all those years of chronic high stress managing the pets has evaporated.

I’m glad for the lessons our pets taught us, the main one being to reach out for support sooner. Finding help for Bird was such a gift, and I often think of our experience re-homing her when I have my own struggles. Knowing that there are wonderful people out there that love pets so much that they’ll drive many miles to take a total stranger’s dog to a new home shows me true compassion. As hard as it was to put Ladybird in a van to leave us last Thanksgiving, we did so with full hearts and complete gratitude.

The Pizza Incident

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / November 20, 2012

When I first started working out with trainer Shane, back in the fall of 2010, I was working on major adjustments to my diet. I had completed Dr. Mark Hyman’s UltraSimple Detox Diet and discovered that I had intolerances to dairy and gluten, so I had been avoiding both — 99 percent of the time. As convincing as GI trouble can be for not eating certain foods, sometimes the mind feels too powerful. And that autumn, the pull to the pizza place was too strong.

Here’s how our training session started that fall day:

Shane: Here’s your routine. You’ll need the TRX, a 25-pound kettlebell, the rowing machine, and two 15-pound dumbbells for this circuit.

Me: Great! Let’s get started. How are you?

Shane: Good. You? How was the pizza last night?

Me: [flustered, mid row] Whaaat? What pizza?

Shane: The one you bought at Papa Murphy’s last night? I was in my car in the parking lot, about to run into the Radio Shack next door.

Me: [totally busted! lie!] Oh, the pizza. That wasn’t for me…

Shane: Sure. OK.

Me: All right! It was for me and Kyle. I only had a piece or two. Maybe four. OK, four pieces. And two for lunch today. So I ate half of an extra-large pizza.

Shane: Better row faster and harder then.

I rarely get embarrassed — heck, I’m sharing everything from weight gain and loss to excess clutter to fertility issues on this blog. But when it comes to my food, what I eat or don’t eat, I can take great offense. Whether good or bad, my food choices have come to define me: when I eat something unhealthy, I feel physically and emotionally awful. I know I’m not staying true to my intention to get well, and I’m slowing my progress to losing weight.

So while Shane has been working to help me get my physical self in shape, I’ve been working with life coach Lauren Zander of The Handel Group since August 2011 to get my mind in shape. The Handel Group’s model is one of truth, and as I’ve confessed in previous posts, I lie to myself a lot.

One such lie happened this weekend.

Over a glass of wine with my husband, we decided to order a pizza. After my hour-and-a-half Boot Camp Games workout that morning, I spent the afternoon running errands and eating very little, so my judgement was clouded by hunger. Pizza sounded easy, and perhaps I was a bit nostalgic for my pre-food-intolerances lifestyle. I told myself it would be fine to eat it this once, knowing full well that I was being a jerk to myself and would most definitely suffer the consequences of an upset stomach and damaged personal integrity.

This recent pizza incident had been building, however. Each night, I send my “Promises Journal” to Lauren, but hadn’t sent a report since Tuesday. What’s a Promises Journal, you ask? Well, it’s kind of like a food journal, only with the perimeters I set. At the beginning of the week, I decide what I will and won’t eat, when and what exercise I’ll complete, and how much TV time I’ll allow. (As you may recall from an earlier post, I watch a lot of TV, often at the expense of exercise, reading a good book, or other leisure and social activities.)

My Weekly Promises usually look like this:

Food: no gluten, no dairy, no sugar save for allowance. Allowances: 3 bites of dessert, 2 glasses wine, 1 vodka + club soda cocktail, 2 oz. dark chocolate.
Exercise: 3 Boot Camp classes on T/Th/Sat; 1 Pilates class on Wednesday; 1 walk/run with Chloe for 30-minutes or more on Sunday.
TV time: max is 10 hours for the week.

At night, I’ll send off a report to Lauren that looks something like this:

November 8
Food:
10: 1 hard boiled egg, 1 small apple, 1 cup coffee with 2 tsp. coconut milk, 2 cups water
12:30: Southwest Chicken lettuce wrap with no cheese from Life Café, 1 cup side romaine salad with sunflower seeds and dried cranberries, 1 tsp. vinaigrette; Synergy grape chia kombucha
5:30: pre-workout snack of 2 hard-boiled eggs; 2 cups water
8:30: 1 small acorn squash roasted and served with 2 tsp. evoo and sea salt; 4 oz. grilled chicken breast with tomato slices, sea salt, pepper; 1 can La Croix grapefruit
10: 1 tsp. organic peanut butter, 2 cups water

Exercise:
45-minute Boot Camp class

TV time:
2 hours in evening

If I don’t keep a food promise, then I’ll have to skip dessert the following week. If I don’t keep an exercise promise, then I’ll add an extra workout. For TV, I’ll skip a day when I go over my limits. The goal in making these consequences is to find something I really don’t want to do. Love sleeping in on the weekends? Set the alarm and go for an early morning walk. Maybe movie night on Fridays is your treat? Forgo your plans in favor of a new activity. Hate sharing your slips in your diet? Confess on a blog/Facebook/to a coworker!

Some of Lauren’s clients have used financial consequences, say giving your brother $20, and others set a consequence that’s actually beneficial to them, even if they’d rather do something else, such as skipping movie night to visit with a relative. It’s not punishment, per se, but you may dislike it if you’d rather be at the theater or home watching movies as part of your usual routine. The bonus is that you get to deepen connections with family. You can save the new Bond movie as a reward when you’ve kept all your promises to yourself.

Now, the language tends to throw people when I say that I’ve “promised to not eat dessert this week,” but when I explain what I mean, heads start nodding. The theory makes sense: When I’m busy and trying to accomplish a lot, the first to-dos that I take off my list are anything that’s for myself. A workout, a healthy home-cooked meal, meditation, a walk in the park, a hot bath — they don’t seem like priorities in my busy day. Instead, I figure I need to clean my house before company arrives and ordering take-out so I can complete said cleaning while someone else is cooking gives me more time. A hot bath? Showers are faster. And meditation or a walk in the park? Maybe some other day.

But those “some other days” add up, and a week, a month goes by without any “me time.” Eventually I’m worn out and spiraling downward. I’ve kept promises to my family and friends, to my co-workers, but lost sight of what’s important to keeping me healthy and happy. Making and keeping those promises to myself first provides me with a structure to meet my goals. And sending them to Lauren keeps me accountable.

The pizza incident happened because I wasn’t keeping my promises top of mind, because I wasn’t staying true to my goals. I slacked off on sending my reports to Lauren, and used that as an excuse to stray from my planned meals. (The Handel Group would say that it was my “brat” voice taking over.) Right now, I’m still tempted by certain foods, so it’s helped me to keep a food journal and report to someone who will call me out and keep me aligned with my goals.

And, yes, food journaling can be tedious, but knowing that I have to write down that cookie or slice of pizza makes me think twice about my choice. In the end, it makes me a more conscious, mindful eater. So whatever I choose or don’t choose to eat, I’m present and thoughtful in my decision. And the next time pizza is an option, I’m willing to select differently.

Mid-Year Update

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / July 1, 2012

By the time the 4th of July nears, I’m usually in a state of denial. Has half the year already passed?! Yikes.

It’s a good time to review the goals I set for myself in January (after all, there’s still six months left in this year to get more done!), and to pat myself on the back for how much I’ve accomplished thus far. The latter point is key: If you find yourself looking at your to-dos and getting light-headed, as I frequently do, or you feel yourself shutting down on your progress because you don’t think you’ve done enough, noting your successes can help you stay positive. Take my list from earlier this year, and my ideas for modifications:

Goal #1 Workouts: Three Boot Camp classes, one yoga and one dance class per week. I’ve been pretty consistent with Boot Camp — sometimes even going four times per week! — but have neglected my yoga and dance commitments. Instead, I started going to Pilates once a week beginning in March, and yoga only sporadically. Am I going to be hard on myself? Heck, no! Have you seen Boot Camp classes?!? They are intense, to say the least. And it wasn’t long ago that I spent my days in a desk chair only to go straight home to a reclining chair — every single day. The fact that I’m doing three classes a week of this strength-and-cardio circuit gives me a huge sense of pride.

Instead of viewing my lack of attendance at yoga or dance as a point of disappointment, I started reevaluating the purpose of this goal. When I wrote out this resolution, I was still fairly fresh off my visit to Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in Massachusetts, where I attended a five-day weight-loss retreat. There, I was going to yoga and YogaDance every day. I felt amazing after these classes, both equally relaxed and joyful, so I wanted to keep the commitment in my hometown. Yoga helped slow my racing mind, and seemed to translate to the kitchen, where I was more thoughtful in my food choices. Dancing allowed me to move my body freely and reclaim a sensuality I had lost while gaining weight over the years. Both of these goals serve a greater purpose than simply putting in the time at a class. Worthwhile indeed.
On retreat, I wasn’t in the office or on deadline, keeping up with household chores, and balancing the family budget. So perhaps I need to scale back on this: How about two yoga and two dance classes per month instead of four each? Or one monthly class? Or what if I use a yoga DVD at home and dance in my living room? There’s room for adjustment here. And if I need to put this goal on hold for now in favor of keeping my Boot Camp commitment, I can. Do what works.
Keeping track of my attendance or lack thereof would be helpful in understanding my barriers. After class, I’ve decided to write down how I feel in a journal so when I review my week on Sunday and plan for the next, I can remember what worked the best for me. Along with weekly self check-ins, I’m adding in monthly check-ins on the last day of each month to review what worked and what didn’t.

Goal #2 Food: eat “clean” and avoid gluten, dairy, soda and processed foods. I’ve been very happy with how I eat now, and the subsequent energy I’ve been enjoying. Although I’m not 100 percent perfect, and that’s OK, I’ve generally kept focused. In April, for example, I attended a birthday party and stood next to the bar for nearly an hour, eschewing alcohol in favor of only drinking club soda; nearby, a large tray of cupcakes sat on a table and I didn’t even think twice about eating one. But then sometimes I’ll pass the bakery section at my co-op and spy the flourless chocolate cake, a treat often too tempting to resist.

Create allowances. If I can do 80/20 or 85/15, I won’t feel deprived and compelled to splurge. See #20 of 101 Revolutionary Ways to Be Healthy: “It’s what you do most of the time — day in, day out — that counts. The healthier you get, the easier and more automatic healthy choices will become.” Being 100 percent on point isn’t very realistic, especially if you’re breaking a pattern of past poor food choices. Do your best, and make rules that you feel you can follow. Instead of a slice of cake, I avoid that section of the grocery store and have a few squares of dark chocolate as my treat. And be picky! If I really want the flourless cake, but only fluffy marble is offered at the party, I don’t reach for it.
Plan and Prep. This is a perennial goal for me, but one that has worked so well in the past. When I follow a meal plan, I lose weight. When I pack my lunches and chop my dinner ingredients the night before, I’m much more likely to eat healthy. It also helps me avoid those days when I open the refrigerator and think, There’s nothing to eat!, even though there are options (just my creativity is lacking). It a step I need to incorporate every night while making dinner.
Shop more often. I’ve been in the habit of stopping at the Seward Co-op in Minneapolis after my weekly acupuncture sessions to grab free-range, hormone-free meats, fresh kale and other veggies, or any missing staples for my pantry. They also feature to-order juice and smoothies, a salad bar, and yummy, comforting hot foods to-go or dine in. (Each item at the hot-food counter includes a list of ingredients and allergens.) With my old way of eating, I used to hate going to the grocery store: filling a cart with packaged foods, digging through sub-par veggies, and — oh no! — the harsh lighting. Nothing really looked good to me. It was about checking off items on my list and stocking the cupboards. I’d go shopping every two to three weeks because most of my food was boxed or frozen. But I love the co-op. The people are friendly and helpful, the food super fresh and often local, and I get a general sense of goodness as soon as I enter. Maybe it’s the patchouli. (If I’m not scouting the hot-food bar, you may also find me in the beauty section smelling essential oils.) When I can’t make it to the farmers’ market, I’ll shop here or at Mississippi Market in St. Paul — and sometimes I’ll go to all three!

Goal #3 Accountability. Communicate my goals with my life coach/trainer/friends. Earlier this year at a team dinner, I shared a big overarching goal with my co-workers: To be a success story in the magazine. Whether that’s in print or online through the blog, I want to continue sharing my story and reach my weight-loss and fitness goals. Through my regular check-ins with life coach Lauren and Boot Camp classes with trainer Shane, I feel an obligation not only to myself but to them. And that sense of responsibility has led me toward measurable changes.

I really can’t say enough good things about working out with a group or partner. It’s made a world of difference for me. Try a few different classes if you aren’t finding one that sticks, or if you’d rather work out with someone you know, ask them to go on a walk or play basketball in the park. Prefer to stay solo? If you are keeping your commitments, great! But if you are struggling to stay on track, considering finding a group or meeting with a trainer.
Even the solo workout warriors would agree that having an encouraging friend or colleague keeps them motivated. Those compliments go a long way! Sometimes simply sharing a salad recipe with a friend reminds me of my healthy goals. On the days I’m not working out with the Boot Campers, I might go to yoga with a co-worker or take a walk with my friend Jenny. I’ve created a group list in my phone of workout buddies and back-up buddies that I can call on when I need encouragement or a spotter when lift weights.
Recently, I’ve been seeing more and more friends post their workouts on Facebook. Sometimes it’s an inspirational quote or the miles they’ve logged on a run. Other times it’s a Foursquare check-in at a gym. Maybe they’ve just completed a 5K. Personally, I love this! And not just because I’m one of those people. It’s social media, after all, and if you view it as a place to connect with other like-minded individuals and share a sense of your identity, then health and fitness updates fit the bill. When I was in an unhealthier place, I admit, I didn’t care to see these posts. I started hiding them in my news feed. It made me feel bad about my lifestyle, mostly because I wasn’t proud of my lifestyle. I wanted to be running 5Ks, too, but it felt easier to just hate on those that participated and shared it with the world. Now I see them as inspirational. If you aren’t ready for change yet, don’t be a hater: Let us be proud of success. And join in when you are ready. A simple “like” on my check-in somehow feels supportive.

Not all New Year’s resolutions stick. In fact, most don’t, as the media will report sometime in February or March. What’s more important is to review and adjust, and keep working toward your dream. Last month, editor in chief Pilar Gerasimo wrote a great editorial about a class she led on a retreat and recently online for en*theos Academy for Optimal Living. It’s called “Refine Your Life” (look for highlights from the class in our upcoming December issue). In her editorial, she shares how she came to discover the best tools, techniques and insights that help her reach for her best life. For me, I read it as a great reminder that we are all a work in progress and will make many adjustments to our goals along the way.

If you are in goal-setting mode or refining mode, here’s a list of Experience Life articles I’ve found particularly helpful:

“How to Overcome Immunity to Change,” based on the principles in the book, Immunity to Change (Harvard Business Press, 2009), by Robert Kegan, PhD, and Lisa Laskow Lahey, EdD
“The Stages of Change,” based on the Transtheoretical Model of Change by James O. Prochaska, PhD
“Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard” audio podcast with Pilar and Stanford business school professor Chip Heath, author of the book Switch
“Stuck in a Rut” — break free from the patterns that are holding you back
“Healthy Progress” — celebrate your successes!
And see our recent roundup, with these and other articles, here

Sneak Peek

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / June 18, 2012

In two days, our July/August issue will be live at ExperienceLife.com. There are so many great pieces in this issue, but I’m particularly proud to share my own article, “Relax. Retreat. Lose Weight.” Last December I attended the Integrative Weight Loss program at Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health, and wrote about my time there for our Head Out department. Here’s a sneak peek of the story:

Over the summer months, I’ll be expanding a bit on some of the great lessons I learned, including cooking tips from Kripalu and my favorite moments in YogaDance. As always, thanks for reading and sharing!

Big Dreamer

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 17, 2012

This is the season of dreams. If last month was for giving to others, January is the month to give to ourselves. We make resolutions. We change the way we eat. We join a gym. We make a plan for the new year to better ourselves, our relationships and our lives. It’s an exciting time to be in the health and fitness industry — not to mention on my own weight-loss journey — but it’s also a bit maddening.

Case in point: The uptick of marketing weight-loss pills, cure-all diets, and fitness gadgets promoting less work and faster results. (See Jen Sinkler’s “Expert Advice” column for the real deal.) I’m a sucker for these commercials. I’m a busy woman. If there were an easy and safe pill or tool I could use to lose weight, why wouldn’t I want that?! So over the years I’ve acquired a few gizmos: the Thighmaster, a type of “ab rocker,” a mini stair stepper and an ab roller. In my defense, the last two are legit, although the stair stepper broke and no longer has any resistance, thereby making it worthless. Oh well. I have two kettlebells now that give me a much better workout when I’m at home.

There are many out there that profit off our collective naiveté, and they have every right to market. Paula Deen can push her Lady’s Brunch Burger, a hamburger topped with a fried egg and bacon set on a glazed doughnut, around the same time she’s diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a secret she’s kept for three years, if she so chooses. Like I said, she has every right to market. It doesn’t mean that it’s right. But we all have a choice to eat the food or not eat the food.

Choice, in relation to food, has been a hard concept for me to grasp. And to clarify up front, it doesn’t always exist: Many communities around the U.S. and world still don’t have access to healthy food let alone organic food. But the more advocates and policy busters out there that petition to help neighborhoods survive via a farmers’ market or community garden the better. I could go on about how said food needs to be less expensive, but this isn’t a political diatribe. I’m in a position where I can easily find healthy food, so this is a commentary on my own choices.

When I think about my past food choices, they’ve been poor until recently. My choice is usually to sit on the couch and watch TV versus walking outside or going to the gym. Or in the past I’ve usually chosen to go to the bar with friends instead of joining them in a yoga class. Last fall, when I began my work with Lauren Zander of The Handel Group, I got called out. (Lauren spoke at TED Talk Amsterdam; see her interview below to get a better picture of this very cool and honest woman.) And even though I felt I could improve in several areas of my life (The Handel Group defines 18, which I’ll explain in upcoming blog entries), the main focus for me kept coming back to my body.

The Handel Group’s method focuses on personal integrity, on making and keeping promises. When we started talking about it, I laughed a bit. Of course I keep promises. Don’t I? As we spoke, I realized I make more excuses than promises. And the first promises I break are always with myself.

Think about it. It’s easy to break a promise to yourself to, say, eat right or not go to the gym. You’re not going to get in trouble, so to speak, because you’ll let yourself off the hook. But you keep your promise to meet a friend for coffee, go to work, or attend a family event. All those broken promises to myself had made me worse off, and I realized I maybe wasn’t even able to keep promises to others. Since I wasn’t keeping a promise to myself to do healthy activities and thus be healthy, I felt sick often and missed work, or had little energy to spend with friends and family. Lauren recommended a more intensive route: Dream Body.

Dream Body is a group teleseminar led by a Handel life coach over the course of 4, 8 or 12 weeks. I chose the latter option — I figured I had a lot of work to do.

I recently concluded my work with Dream Body and had a lot of great insights that I’ll be sharing over the next several weeks. Tonight, however, I wanted to focus on the theme of dreams. The core concept of promises and consequences, along with personal integrity, are the roots of the workshop, but the base of the tree is all about the Dream Body statement, one I struggled with all session.

When I first wrote it in October, I kept envisioning my former self, a blend between my svelte 18-year-old and 24-year-old bodies. Then the advertising entered: the Victoria Secret models and the bikini-clad fitness models on women’s magazines. My dream was getting clouded by what others deemed “sexy” or “beautiful,” not what I really wanted. And I needed to be clear about my own goals, and my own thoughts about beauty — because it’s much less narrow than it was years ago.

I started realizing that my “dream body” was first and foremost a healthy body, one that felt and looked strong. It was one that was full of vitality and energy, a body that was flexible and resilient. A powerful immune system. A clear and focused mind. It started to be more about what my body could do than what it looked like. After I spoke with Handel life coach Christine Young, who led the teleseminar, about this new vision for myself, I felt good. The Dream Body statement was different for everyone, but for me, the promise to reach optimal health has been a huge motivator. It’s behind every choice I make every day for my body.

I also keep in mind one of my favorite quotes from this month’s greatest dreamer, motivator, activist and extraordinary man, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: “The time is always right to do the right thing.” For me, that means the right thing as a citizen, in my work, for my family and for my health. And the right time is always now.

The Purpose of Project Me

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 11, 2012

For those of you new to reading my blog, welcome! In some ways, I feel a little new to it myself. I began writing the Coming Clean blog in April 2010 after I started working as a freelance fact-checker for Experience Life. At the time, I was running my own copyediting company, Mixed Bag Media, and proofreading copy for eight different magazines. I had also, unfortunately, put on 65 pounds, exhausted my body so that I was sick once a month, and prioritized work over my relationships with my family and husband. I was pretty miserable — and I take full responsibility for the poor choices I made.

I saw the blog as a way to document my path to better health. Everything I was learning through fact-checking and reading Experience Life was fascinating and completely foreign to me. I thought of weight loss as counting points or calories obsessively or eating “diet food,” and running on a treadmill or some type of hated exercise for an hour or more each day. I thought it was all about calories in and calories out, discipline, restriction, and a bit of emotional abuse. With my weight gain, I thought I was lazy and stupid, I did this to myself, and no matter how I excelled in my career or however pretty I felt at an event, I’d still feel fat, and would assume that’s all others saw as well.

I wanted to right my wrongs, lose weight and have more energy, all while sharing what I learned along the way. But my updates were sporadic, then eventually absent after last May when my grandmother passed away. By the fall, when our dogs, “our girls,” could no longer coexist and we had to find a new home for our basenji, I was pretty depressed. I was working out and doing my best to stay focused on my meal plan and the big picture of improving my health, but I’m not sure if my heart was completely in it.

I know it frustrated my trainer, even if he didn’t admit it, and I’m positive that it frustrated my life coach, Lauren Zander of the Handel Group, well, because she said it. She’s a New Yorker, after all. No beating around the bush. You make these goals but you’re not following through, why? Our conversation would go. And, I need you tell me why you want all this drama in your life. And the more I thought about it, I realized there was so much I needed to understand in my mind. Because this “on a diet” and “off a diet” was simply drama that I created. Would I lose weight or wouldn’t I? It wasn’t about calories and treadmills as much as it was about my commitment — and more than that, my love for my body. And I haven’t been very loving.

So this blog doesn’t really have a category. It’s not a fitness blog, specifically, or a nutrition blog or weight-loss blog. Similar to Experience Life itself, this blog is whole body, whole life, whole mind. Because, even if weight loss is my first goal, it’s so much more than just the weight — and it’s never just about the weight. It’s about my priorities, my work-life balance, my relationships, my home, my clutter, my pets, my vision, my purpose. It’s personal, yes, but I hope it resonates with you, whether you are struggling to get healthy or if you feel you are there and need a friendly reminder of why you continue to make healthy choices every day. I appreciate your support and feedback, good or bad, and hope to start a dialogue in the comments section or via email, Facebook or Twitter.

When we re-branded the magazine in September 2010 and published Pilar Gerasimo’s enlightening essay, “Being Healthy Is a Revolutionary Act” in January 2011, I really felt like our mission was speaking directly to me. It’s about a practice, about making those healthy choices every day even when it’s difficult because of location or busyness or because you’d rather just give in to all those endless excuses you can make.

But it’s so much easier with support, and by finding a community of like-minded individuals that keep you focused, and in the end, keep you happy. So I’m glad you found ours.

Brat Attack

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 2, 2012

My cousin Tanya is about six years older than me. When she’d come to visit us from Florida, she’d bring along her teen magazines with the Coreys on the cover, and I’d page through them trying to absorb it all so my teenage cousin would think I was cool. I’m the oldest of two, and the only girl, so I really looked up to Tanya as more of an older sister rather than a cousin I’d only see a few times a year. Plus, she was a dancer, cheerleader and a natural beauty — who lived in a tropical paradise! — so when she informed me that the Brat Pack was cool, then they were cool.

We were children, mind you, so we had no idea why they were called “The Brat Pack” by New York magazine, or that it wasn’t necessarily a term of endearment. They were in movies. And on magazine covers. And rich in their 20s. So, to us as kids, that seemed cool. Thus “brats” were cool, in some regard.

Although I never thought I was purposefully being a brat, I no doubt was in my teens — what teenage girl isn’t? — but I figured I kicked it when I turned 18. For the most part, I did, at least outwardly: I was kind to people, worked hard to get into my college of choice and joined the pep team at school. But when it came to how I treated myself, the brat never really died.

According to the Handel Group, there are three voices in your head, three different personality types that get in the way of you accomplishing your goals: the Chicken, the Brat and the Weather Reporter.

The Chicken
This is that scared little voice in your head that says you can’t do it, that it’s too hard to change. If you lose weight, you’ll get undesired attention. People will look at you differently. You’ll get compliments and not know how to respond. If I change, my friends may not like the new me or my family may not want to be around me because I’m “different.” This is the voice of fear that resides within us, that drains our energy and keeps us from living our best lives. My chicken voice is loudest when it comes to my writing — I can edit and fact-check and juggle multiple tasks, but when I return to my first craft, my perfectionist emerges and fear of not good enough holds me back.

The Weather Reporter
Just like a meteorologist who reports the weather but doesn’t control it, this is the voice that allows you to resign to your bad habits. “My family has always eaten this way.” I’ve never been an athlete. Or, “This is just how my life is.” It is the voice that says you have no control. It reports the facts of your life and leads you to believe that you’ll never be able to change it. This voice speaks to me when I run late to, well, pretty much every single appointment. My dad would would refer to it as being “on Lewis time.” The Weather Reporter tells me that it’s just my tendency to be late. We always ran late as a family. I was always running late in the mornings and would miss the bus. It’s just my nature. As much as I hate it and it embarrasses me and makes me feel awful to make those I love wait, the voice returns and says “this is what you do, what you’ve always done.” It’s a defeating voice. And it usually makes me feel 10 times worse.

The Brat
When I think of the Brat, I think of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (not the 2005 remake, although Johnny Depp was good — I’m talking about the more excellent 1971 version with Gene Wilder). My Brat wants the candy, the cupcake, the Chinese takeout. She wants the piece of pizza, the cheeseburger. She wants the golden goose. And she wants it now.

The Brat, of course, loves the drama. She makes a fuss when she doesn’t get her way. She wants what she wants. (The Brat can be a male voice, too, for a female, or vice versa, a female in a male’s head — it’s different for everyone, but for me, she’s Veruca.) There’s no arguing or rationalizing with the Brat, mostly because she doesn’t care to hear it. She doesn’t want to make a deal with you. So in the end, the only way to silence the Brat is to tell her to shut up. Talk her down to remission. Yell and curse and tell her you’re not listening. I can notice her and take note of what she says, but I don’t give in.

All of these voices, whether it’s the Brat or Chicken or Weather Reporter, need to be on a leash. Lauren tells me to think of my mind as a field to tend to: If the voices are the seeds, and they are all negative thoughts, all that grows in my field are weeds. My job is to tend to the field and only allow positivity to grow. I see myself in a pair of overalls, walking around an open dirt plot, zapping mini snotty Verucas as they pop up before they can finish the statement “I want….” The Brat can be tricky, too, shifting tones and coming at me as a negotiator, making bargains and rationalizing why it’s OK to eat something that’s not on my meal plan or why I can skip the gym. Sneaky little Brat.

I never really thought of my excuses this way. When I did, I started to laugh at myself when I’d reach for the cookie. I almost allowed myself to be Veruca Salt, and no way did I want to be a bad egg.

The Season of Celebration…and Stress

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 1, 2012

Last year was a blur. Most of it sped by, particularly the summer months, when I can’t even tell you what I did. Really. I went to Los Angeles twice for work — that was great. Visited the cabin a few times. Maybe had a barbecue or two with family and friends. But the entire season went so quickly I couldn’t tell you dates unless I referenced them on my Facebook Timeline. I didn’t even notice it at the time, but as I was designing our Christmas cards this year and sorting through our collection of pictures in iPhoto, I realized how quickly 2011 went.

After balancing a full social calendar in the summer, I like to slow down come fall. For us, that didn’t happen: September marked my 30th birthday, our five-year wedding anniversary, and Ladybird’s 7th birthday. And then come the holidays, and before we know it, it’s already 2012.

The fall was a season of landmarks for us, but not always good, as we found ourselves in the midst of intensifying pet drama: Toward the end of the month, a stray kitten wandered into our yard at night and we ended up fostering her for several weeks while we searched for her owner. (With no luck, we advertised for a new home and found one through my co-worker’s friend.) And right before the holidays, the tension between our dogs came to a breaking point and we ended up re-homing Ladybird with a wonderful woman in Milwaukee who was familiar with her unique breed. The stress and sadness of this was difficult to bear, and I think it’s important to discuss here — especially given the impact of stress on weight gain as I’ve been working so hard to get in shape — so I’ll address that a bit later when I’m ready.

With all these challenges, it would have been very easy for me to go wildly off-track, eating every cookie and cake in sight and ignoring all the work I put in with my trainer, Shane Kinney. And there were times, I will admit — times that, thankfully, I can count on one hand — where I did resort to crying at the kitchen counter while eating a cream cheese puff. A momentary lapse of self-hatred ensued. And instead of going to the gym to exercise and work it off, I’d feel so bad I’d crawl up in a ball and take a nap.

But those instances, as I said, occurred only a handful of times. Because, recently, I’ve taken a different approach to my stress and food plans and life balance. In late August, I started working with life coach Lauren Zander of The Handel Group. Brilliant and honest, Lauren has been holding me accountable. She’s given me a new perspective, and her insights into my barriers have been enlightening. In the past, it’s been so easy for me to get lost in the stress and drama, but I’ve been using the Handel Group’s techniques to gain clarity as I headed into the holiday season and new year.

It all starts with two words: The Brat. And I’ve got a big one. I’ll tell you all about her in my next post.

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