Coming Clean

One woman’s honest quest to clean up her unhealthy life for herself and her family.

Monthly Archives: January 2012

Big Dreamer

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 17, 2012

This is the season of dreams. If last month was for giving to others, January is the month to give to ourselves. We make resolutions. We change the way we eat. We join a gym. We make a plan for the new year to better ourselves, our relationships and our lives. It’s an exciting time to be in the health and fitness industry — not to mention on my own weight-loss journey — but it’s also a bit maddening.

Case in point: The uptick of marketing weight-loss pills, cure-all diets, and fitness gadgets promoting less work and faster results. (See Jen Sinkler’s “Expert Advice” column for the real deal.) I’m a sucker for these commercials. I’m a busy woman. If there were an easy and safe pill or tool I could use to lose weight, why wouldn’t I want that?! So over the years I’ve acquired a few gizmos: the Thighmaster, a type of “ab rocker,” a mini stair stepper and an ab roller. In my defense, the last two are legit, although the stair stepper broke and no longer has any resistance, thereby making it worthless. Oh well. I have two kettlebells now that give me a much better workout when I’m at home.

There are many out there that profit off our collective naiveté, and they have every right to market. Paula Deen can push her Lady’s Brunch Burger, a hamburger topped with a fried egg and bacon set on a glazed doughnut, around the same time she’s diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a secret she’s kept for three years, if she so chooses. Like I said, she has every right to market. It doesn’t mean that it’s right. But we all have a choice to eat the food or not eat the food.

Choice, in relation to food, has been a hard concept for me to grasp. And to clarify up front, it doesn’t always exist: Many communities around the U.S. and world still don’t have access to healthy food let alone organic food. But the more advocates and policy busters out there that petition to help neighborhoods survive via a farmers’ market or community garden the better. I could go on about how said food needs to be less expensive, but this isn’t a political diatribe. I’m in a position where I can easily find healthy food, so this is a commentary on my own choices.

When I think about my past food choices, they’ve been poor until recently. My choice is usually to sit on the couch and watch TV versus walking outside or going to the gym. Or in the past I’ve usually chosen to go to the bar with friends instead of joining them in a yoga class. Last fall, when I began my work with Lauren Zander of The Handel Group, I got called out. (Lauren spoke at TED Talk Amsterdam; see her interview below to get a better picture of this very cool and honest woman.) And even though I felt I could improve in several areas of my life (The Handel Group defines 18, which I’ll explain in upcoming blog entries), the main focus for me kept coming back to my body.

The Handel Group’s method focuses on personal integrity, on making and keeping promises. When we started talking about it, I laughed a bit. Of course I keep promises. Don’t I? As we spoke, I realized I make more excuses than promises. And the first promises I break are always with myself.

Think about it. It’s easy to break a promise to yourself to, say, eat right or not go to the gym. You’re not going to get in trouble, so to speak, because you’ll let yourself off the hook. But you keep your promise to meet a friend for coffee, go to work, or attend a family event. All those broken promises to myself had made me worse off, and I realized I maybe wasn’t even able to keep promises to others. Since I wasn’t keeping a promise to myself to do healthy activities and thus be healthy, I felt sick often and missed work, or had little energy to spend with friends and family. Lauren recommended a more intensive route: Dream Body.

Dream Body is a group teleseminar led by a Handel life coach over the course of 4, 8 or 12 weeks. I chose the latter option — I figured I had a lot of work to do.

I recently concluded my work with Dream Body and had a lot of great insights that I’ll be sharing over the next several weeks. Tonight, however, I wanted to focus on the theme of dreams. The core concept of promises and consequences, along with personal integrity, are the roots of the workshop, but the base of the tree is all about the Dream Body statement, one I struggled with all session.

When I first wrote it in October, I kept envisioning my former self, a blend between my svelte 18-year-old and 24-year-old bodies. Then the advertising entered: the Victoria Secret models and the bikini-clad fitness models on women’s magazines. My dream was getting clouded by what others deemed “sexy” or “beautiful,” not what I really wanted. And I needed to be clear about my own goals, and my own thoughts about beauty — because it’s much less narrow than it was years ago.

I started realizing that my “dream body” was first and foremost a healthy body, one that felt and looked strong. It was one that was full of vitality and energy, a body that was flexible and resilient. A powerful immune system. A clear and focused mind. It started to be more about what my body could do than what it looked like. After I spoke with Handel life coach Christine Young, who led the teleseminar, about this new vision for myself, I felt good. The Dream Body statement was different for everyone, but for me, the promise to reach optimal health has been a huge motivator. It’s behind every choice I make every day for my body.

I also keep in mind one of my favorite quotes from this month’s greatest dreamer, motivator, activist and extraordinary man, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: “The time is always right to do the right thing.” For me, that means the right thing as a citizen, in my work, for my family and for my health. And the right time is always now.

The Purpose of Project Me

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 11, 2012

For those of you new to reading my blog, welcome! In some ways, I feel a little new to it myself. I began writing the Coming Clean blog in April 2010 after I started working as a freelance fact-checker for Experience Life. At the time, I was running my own copyediting company, Mixed Bag Media, and proofreading copy for eight different magazines. I had also, unfortunately, put on 65 pounds, exhausted my body so that I was sick once a month, and prioritized work over my relationships with my family and husband. I was pretty miserable — and I take full responsibility for the poor choices I made.

I saw the blog as a way to document my path to better health. Everything I was learning through fact-checking and reading Experience Life was fascinating and completely foreign to me. I thought of weight loss as counting points or calories obsessively or eating “diet food,” and running on a treadmill or some type of hated exercise for an hour or more each day. I thought it was all about calories in and calories out, discipline, restriction, and a bit of emotional abuse. With my weight gain, I thought I was lazy and stupid, I did this to myself, and no matter how I excelled in my career or however pretty I felt at an event, I’d still feel fat, and would assume that’s all others saw as well.

I wanted to right my wrongs, lose weight and have more energy, all while sharing what I learned along the way. But my updates were sporadic, then eventually absent after last May when my grandmother passed away. By the fall, when our dogs, “our girls,” could no longer coexist and we had to find a new home for our basenji, I was pretty depressed. I was working out and doing my best to stay focused on my meal plan and the big picture of improving my health, but I’m not sure if my heart was completely in it.

I know it frustrated my trainer, even if he didn’t admit it, and I’m positive that it frustrated my life coach, Lauren Zander of the Handel Group, well, because she said it. She’s a New Yorker, after all. No beating around the bush. You make these goals but you’re not following through, why? Our conversation would go. And, I need you tell me why you want all this drama in your life. And the more I thought about it, I realized there was so much I needed to understand in my mind. Because this “on a diet” and “off a diet” was simply drama that I created. Would I lose weight or wouldn’t I? It wasn’t about calories and treadmills as much as it was about my commitment — and more than that, my love for my body. And I haven’t been very loving.

So this blog doesn’t really have a category. It’s not a fitness blog, specifically, or a nutrition blog or weight-loss blog. Similar to Experience Life itself, this blog is whole body, whole life, whole mind. Because, even if weight loss is my first goal, it’s so much more than just the weight — and it’s never just about the weight. It’s about my priorities, my work-life balance, my relationships, my home, my clutter, my pets, my vision, my purpose. It’s personal, yes, but I hope it resonates with you, whether you are struggling to get healthy or if you feel you are there and need a friendly reminder of why you continue to make healthy choices every day. I appreciate your support and feedback, good or bad, and hope to start a dialogue in the comments section or via email, Facebook or Twitter.

When we re-branded the magazine in September 2010 and published Pilar Gerasimo’s enlightening essay, “Being Healthy Is a Revolutionary Act” in January 2011, I really felt like our mission was speaking directly to me. It’s about a practice, about making those healthy choices every day even when it’s difficult because of location or busyness or because you’d rather just give in to all those endless excuses you can make.

But it’s so much easier with support, and by finding a community of like-minded individuals that keep you focused, and in the end, keep you happy. So I’m glad you found ours.

2011: Year in Review

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 10, 2012

For as fast as 2011 went, I accomplished a lot on my path to good health. Here are a few of my proudest moments:

I developed confidence in the gym and began a regular exercise program. In late October 2010, I started working one-on-one with personal trainer Shane Kinney. We started with the TRX and focused on building strength through circuit training. Much of my exercises were corrective, helping straighten my “computer back” and shoulders, for example, and improving coordination and core strength through full-body movements. I really started to like lifting weights, and exercises I’d normally avoid became my favorite moves to complete. If I lifted weights in the past, they would be light, maybe 2- to 5-pound dumbbells, or I’d only use the weight machines. With Shane, I went from swinging a 15-pound kettlebell 12 times in a row to swinging a 45-pound kettlebell 20 times in a row. I was stronger than I thought, and having someone believe in me and challenge me only motivated me more. When Shane started leading Boot Camp at Life Time Fitness in October 2011, I signed up for the three-sessions-per-week group, in which I work out alongside a triathlete and a former enlisted Marine. It’s a fantastic group of athletes and hugely inspirational for me. Every time we complete a circuit, I come away with a bit of shock and awe — did I really just do that? I’m so distant now from the woman that once thought she was weak.
I stopped drinking diet soda and most soda altogether. Those who regularly read Experience Life or visit our Web site know the research on diet soda, and soda in general, so I won’t go on a rant (but if you want the truth, see Pilar’s list here). Our purpose is not to make you feel bad about the habit, only to educate. I drank a can of diet soda — sometimes two cans — every single day from 15 to 29 years old. I had no idea what was in it, what it did to my body — and maybe I didn’t want to know. Last spring, I had my last diet soda. Knowing what I know now, and how, even though it was “sugar-free,” it was still tricking my body into craving more/real sugar (hence my cupcake habit), I can no longer drink it. I switched to sparkling water instead and haven’t looked back. Occasionally I’ll have an Izze Sparkling Juice or naturally flavored craft root beer, but they still pack a sweet punch — a basic taste that I’m now much happier to enjoy in just a few sips.
I lost 24 pounds! Over the length of 12 months, it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a good start. And from October to December, I lost 11 of those 24 pounds. I credit several factors: Boot Camp and regular exercise; more adherence to my meal plan, which I started following earlier in the year; participation in the Handel Group’s Dream Body teleseminar, for extra accountability and to get my mind on board with my diet; and the successful execution of a pesky parasite and bacterial infection. How on earth did I get a parasite? Beats me. I haven’t traveled to any third world countries. We went to Europe in 2008. Mexico in 2006, although we stayed at the resort the entire time. But there are other ways to get parasites domestically. Animals and other people can pass parasites; Ladybird frequently suffered from giardia in the spring and fall. Undercooked meat and improperly washed fruits and veggies can also be carriers. And I did, unfortunately, order Chinese takeout from one restaurant on an almost weekly basis for more than a year, only to discover about eight months after we stopped eating there that it was nearly shut down by the state department of health. I can’t make a clear case, but I blame the roaches. None of my doctors could pinpoint the origin, but after a round of antibiotics and rebuilding my good bacteria with probiotics, I began feeling much better. And I easily dropped six pounds in October when I struggled to drop even 2 in previous months, even with all the changes I made. (For more on parasites, read “Little Bugs, Big Trouble.”)

Those were just a few of my major highlights, and I know there’s more good things to come in 2012.

Brat Attack

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 2, 2012

My cousin Tanya is about six years older than me. When she’d come to visit us from Florida, she’d bring along her teen magazines with the Coreys on the cover, and I’d page through them trying to absorb it all so my teenage cousin would think I was cool. I’m the oldest of two, and the only girl, so I really looked up to Tanya as more of an older sister rather than a cousin I’d only see a few times a year. Plus, she was a dancer, cheerleader and a natural beauty — who lived in a tropical paradise! — so when she informed me that the Brat Pack was cool, then they were cool.

We were children, mind you, so we had no idea why they were called “The Brat Pack” by New York magazine, or that it wasn’t necessarily a term of endearment. They were in movies. And on magazine covers. And rich in their 20s. So, to us as kids, that seemed cool. Thus “brats” were cool, in some regard.

Although I never thought I was purposefully being a brat, I no doubt was in my teens — what teenage girl isn’t? — but I figured I kicked it when I turned 18. For the most part, I did, at least outwardly: I was kind to people, worked hard to get into my college of choice and joined the pep team at school. But when it came to how I treated myself, the brat never really died.

According to the Handel Group, there are three voices in your head, three different personality types that get in the way of you accomplishing your goals: the Chicken, the Brat and the Weather Reporter.

The Chicken
This is that scared little voice in your head that says you can’t do it, that it’s too hard to change. If you lose weight, you’ll get undesired attention. People will look at you differently. You’ll get compliments and not know how to respond. If I change, my friends may not like the new me or my family may not want to be around me because I’m “different.” This is the voice of fear that resides within us, that drains our energy and keeps us from living our best lives. My chicken voice is loudest when it comes to my writing — I can edit and fact-check and juggle multiple tasks, but when I return to my first craft, my perfectionist emerges and fear of not good enough holds me back.

The Weather Reporter
Just like a meteorologist who reports the weather but doesn’t control it, this is the voice that allows you to resign to your bad habits. “My family has always eaten this way.” I’ve never been an athlete. Or, “This is just how my life is.” It is the voice that says you have no control. It reports the facts of your life and leads you to believe that you’ll never be able to change it. This voice speaks to me when I run late to, well, pretty much every single appointment. My dad would would refer to it as being “on Lewis time.” The Weather Reporter tells me that it’s just my tendency to be late. We always ran late as a family. I was always running late in the mornings and would miss the bus. It’s just my nature. As much as I hate it and it embarrasses me and makes me feel awful to make those I love wait, the voice returns and says “this is what you do, what you’ve always done.” It’s a defeating voice. And it usually makes me feel 10 times worse.

The Brat
When I think of the Brat, I think of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (not the 2005 remake, although Johnny Depp was good — I’m talking about the more excellent 1971 version with Gene Wilder). My Brat wants the candy, the cupcake, the Chinese takeout. She wants the piece of pizza, the cheeseburger. She wants the golden goose. And she wants it now.

The Brat, of course, loves the drama. She makes a fuss when she doesn’t get her way. She wants what she wants. (The Brat can be a male voice, too, for a female, or vice versa, a female in a male’s head — it’s different for everyone, but for me, she’s Veruca.) There’s no arguing or rationalizing with the Brat, mostly because she doesn’t care to hear it. She doesn’t want to make a deal with you. So in the end, the only way to silence the Brat is to tell her to shut up. Talk her down to remission. Yell and curse and tell her you’re not listening. I can notice her and take note of what she says, but I don’t give in.

All of these voices, whether it’s the Brat or Chicken or Weather Reporter, need to be on a leash. Lauren tells me to think of my mind as a field to tend to: If the voices are the seeds, and they are all negative thoughts, all that grows in my field are weeds. My job is to tend to the field and only allow positivity to grow. I see myself in a pair of overalls, walking around an open dirt plot, zapping mini snotty Verucas as they pop up before they can finish the statement “I want….” The Brat can be tricky, too, shifting tones and coming at me as a negotiator, making bargains and rationalizing why it’s OK to eat something that’s not on my meal plan or why I can skip the gym. Sneaky little Brat.

I never really thought of my excuses this way. When I did, I started to laugh at myself when I’d reach for the cookie. I almost allowed myself to be Veruca Salt, and no way did I want to be a bad egg.

The Season of Celebration…and Stress

By Courtney Opdahl (@clewisopdahl) / January 1, 2012

Last year was a blur. Most of it sped by, particularly the summer months, when I can’t even tell you what I did. Really. I went to Los Angeles twice for work — that was great. Visited the cabin a few times. Maybe had a barbecue or two with family and friends. But the entire season went so quickly I couldn’t tell you dates unless I referenced them on my Facebook Timeline. I didn’t even notice it at the time, but as I was designing our Christmas cards this year and sorting through our collection of pictures in iPhoto, I realized how quickly 2011 went.

After balancing a full social calendar in the summer, I like to slow down come fall. For us, that didn’t happen: September marked my 30th birthday, our five-year wedding anniversary, and Ladybird’s 7th birthday. And then come the holidays, and before we know it, it’s already 2012.

The fall was a season of landmarks for us, but not always good, as we found ourselves in the midst of intensifying pet drama: Toward the end of the month, a stray kitten wandered into our yard at night and we ended up fostering her for several weeks while we searched for her owner. (With no luck, we advertised for a new home and found one through my co-worker’s friend.) And right before the holidays, the tension between our dogs came to a breaking point and we ended up re-homing Ladybird with a wonderful woman in Milwaukee who was familiar with her unique breed. The stress and sadness of this was difficult to bear, and I think it’s important to discuss here — especially given the impact of stress on weight gain as I’ve been working so hard to get in shape — so I’ll address that a bit later when I’m ready.

With all these challenges, it would have been very easy for me to go wildly off-track, eating every cookie and cake in sight and ignoring all the work I put in with my trainer, Shane Kinney. And there were times, I will admit — times that, thankfully, I can count on one hand — where I did resort to crying at the kitchen counter while eating a cream cheese puff. A momentary lapse of self-hatred ensued. And instead of going to the gym to exercise and work it off, I’d feel so bad I’d crawl up in a ball and take a nap.

But those instances, as I said, occurred only a handful of times. Because, recently, I’ve taken a different approach to my stress and food plans and life balance. In late August, I started working with life coach Lauren Zander of The Handel Group. Brilliant and honest, Lauren has been holding me accountable. She’s given me a new perspective, and her insights into my barriers have been enlightening. In the past, it’s been so easy for me to get lost in the stress and drama, but I’ve been using the Handel Group’s techniques to gain clarity as I headed into the holiday season and new year.

It all starts with two words: The Brat. And I’ve got a big one. I’ll tell you all about her in my next post.

Coming Clean

Monthly Archives: January 2012

Big Dreamer

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The Purpose of Project Me

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2011: Year in Review

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Brat Attack

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The Season of Celebration…and Stress

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